When I first started teaching, I remember reacting to the incredible differences between the incoming little ones. They came in all shapes and sizes. Some tall thin weeds, some pint sized peas, and some destined to become linemen on a football team.
Then there were the personalities. Outgoing and friendly, shy and thoughtful, impulsive and hilarious. Every single one, staunchly themselves.
And yes, there were differences in academic ability from the get go. It was clear that some kiddos had been taught a thing or six. But that wasn’t what left the biggest impression on me. It was the wide range of levels in independence and confidence that I remember being most struck by.
By five, many kids were unable to do anything for themselves. It was like they had not fully participated in the day-to-day comings and goings. They did not care for their clothes, their bags, or their things. This was decidedly mom and dad’s job.
Then there were the independents. These kids knew how to get things done, and were used to caring for themselves and their environment. They exuded confidence.
Years later I had a child, and I kept circling back to these confident independents. How do I raise a child that has those magical qualities? And believe you me, these kids are raised that way, it doesn’t just happen.
So I did what I do. I researched, I plotted, and I drew pictures in my mind. What I came up with are the five strategies I’m using to help raise an independent, confident child.
We Focus on Skill Building
The idea here is to slowly but surely develop the skills that most of us don’t give a lot of thought to. Nobody has thought through these skills better than Maria Montessori.
While I may not be a strict Montessori traditionalist, the ideas that drive the approach are some of my all-time favorites. Top of the list of truly inspired ideas is Practical Life Skills. It’s about teaching young children to clean, clothe, cook, and do all the little things that are part of being a fully functioning person.
Followers of all things Montessori have lists of practices that they can include in their children’s daily life. And there is usually a well thought out way to introduce the practice, as well as a way to take next steps in the practice.
But the lists are not meant to be limiting. Practical life activities are meant to reflect cultural and household differences. This is rather freeing, as it lets me tailor our program to what Rémy is ready for.
For example, when introducing handwashing to Rémy, I didn’t go with the more traditional Montessori approach with bar soap and a bowl of water. I opted to teach him using a soap pump and sink. It just made more sense with how our household functions, and where his gross motor skills were at.
How do I know when to introduce or build onto skills?
We Follow Rémy’s Lead
Each child is different. How many times have you read that? Easily a zillion times, right? And you read it and nod and remind yourself not to put to much weight into how quickly your baby hits each of their milestones.
Take another look, and hidden in that statement is not just a soothing refrain. It speaks to the very heart of what great education should be. It should be personal. It should be differentiated. It should reflect the needs of each specific child because…
Each child is different!
The big idea here isn’t necessarily that we should acknowledge differences, although that’s important too. It’s that we should treat each child differently based on their unique place in space and time.
Learning how to observe and really read a child becomes critical. What are they interested in? Where are they developmentally? How are they doing emotionally? The answer to each of these questions is going to tell you what actions to take next.
A few months ago, I noticed that Rémy became obsessed with watching me make the bed each morning. He was delighted by the chore. He also was very stable on his feet, and responded well to hand over hand guidance. So, even though it’s not a chore that most 14 month olds would tackle, it seemed like a good fit for him.
This is the secret sauce to success. Lean in when the child is interested. Attempting to do otherwise just requires more effort. You can do it, but why-oh-why would you want to?
Because trust me when I tell you that it’s enough effort with the wind at your back. Even with his enthusiasm, I have to work at teaching him. It’s not a one-lesson deal. No, no. This is marathon teaching. Slowly putting one foot in front of the other until you’ve got miles and miles under you.
Following your child’s lead is going to make things so much easier, and it will ensure that they stay in the zone.
What’s the zone?
We stay in the Zone of Proximal Development
Early in the last century, there was a burst of energy around Education and childhood development research. Honestly, it’s mind blowing the stuff that was coming out of that period. One of the heavy hitters was a striking Soviet named Vygotsky.
His research and theories lay the groundwork for the Zone of Proximal Development. The magic zone is the space in which children optimally learn. If a task is too easy for a child, then he or she isn’t making real gains. Too hard, and the child may not grasp intended concepts, get overly frustrated, and turn off completely.
It’s my job to see that Rémy stays in the zone so that he continues to build skills and confidence because he is making progress. For difficult tasks, I provide just enough support to prevent frustration and failure, but not too much so that the activity is no longer challenging.
When I introduced chopping, this was very much on my mind. It dictated how I set everything up. Chopping whole strawberries would have been beyond his reach. He would have gotten angry or lost interest. Halved strawberries laid flat ensured success with a bit of struggle.
I scaffolded the activity so that success would be within reach. It ensures that he is happy practicing. This is great because we need a lot of practice to improve skill levels. And as skill levels increase…
We slowly increase responsibility
It is much faster for me to put away Rémy’s toys then for me to include him in the process. Much, much faster. But at this point, when it’s time to sing the clean up song, I try my best to give him a few tasks to tackle.
Toy clean up has been a slow build. When he was 5 and 6 months old, he watched me clean up everything we were playing with. Responsibility was 100% mama’s.
At 16 months, he helps out to his fullest capabilities. On a good day, I’d say the responsibility is 90% mama. The 10% that he does may not seem like a lot, but it is a major triumph in my book.
Cleaning up is not fun, unless you’re with Mary Poppins. So getting him to understand early that it’s just one of the things you do is going to make cleaning easier down the line. There is already a routine. I don’t have to introduce this new concept of tidying up later.
And as his abilities improve, so will the percentage of responsibility he takes on.
Besides, even if it’s a small responsibility, he is proud of himself when he puts his toy car on the shelf. You can see it beaming from his face.
How do I play into that sense of pride?
We praise the process
If you’re not acquainted with Angela Duckworth and her ideas around Growth Mindset, I suggest bouncing right now and reading up. Her ideas radically changed the way I interacted with all children, and gave me new perspective on my own upbringing.
In particular, I changed how I thought about the praise I offered up to children. Rather than being a cheerleader when they achieved something, I tried to cheer for the hard work they put in. Instead of telling them how smart, creative, or strong they were, I tried commenting on their efforts.
As someone who was raised in a fixed mindset house, and had fixed mindset praise from teachers and coaches, it has taken a lot of work to change my patterns. And I still find myself saying the not-super-insightful “good job” when Rémy does something that pleases me personally.
It’s a habit I’m trying damn hard to break.
Why all this fuss over how and what to praise? If I’m seeking to raise an independent, confident child, then it’s vital that he learns that hard work, discipline, and problem solving are more important than the final result. It’s those attributes that will allow him to embrace failure and step out on his own.
Ultimately, we praise what we value, so my hope is that he gets the message that in our household we value trying, tinkering, problem solving, asking for help when needed, and helping others.
Only time will tell if my strategies help Rémy become the confident independent 5 year old like the ones I saw years ago. The initial indications are promising. He wants to help out, takes pride in participating in everyday activities, and I often watch him try to problem solve.
I know it’s going to take a lot of consistency and effort on my part, but you have to pay the piper at some point. It’s either now, when he’s a happy participant, or later, when he’s dragging his feet.
I’m not the only one out there with this goal. Many of you sat down, plotted, and planned as well. What are the top strategies you are using?
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